only the mad are sane

So long to New York and Hello to fun and sun in the good ol' west enjoying my one-week vacation in California, Nevada, and Arizona.



( Fun und Sun  )

Next, the trip to Vegas!

How often do you get asked your age?

How often do you answer this simple question and get it WRONG?

*raises hand* totally guilty here.

Considering how many times I get mistakened as younger than I actually am, maybe I got it into my head that I am? Ha, something just ain't screwed right with me.

So yeah, I got asked that question today and the number 22 popped out until a short moment later I realized "crap, I'm not 22 anymore" and had to do the actual math.

( Read more... )

Close enough, I guess.

I love thunderstorms. I do. I just don't like being CAUGHT IN them. *wrings water out of hair*

My mind is reeling from shock, my heart still beating erratically from anxiety that has long since passed.

I should just stay away from eBay. Especially when it comes to the "Buy it Now" option.

Like totally.

So I guess it was about time that LJ had its own post application and joined the bandwagon of iTouches/iPhones?

The application has this nifty feature where it can automatically pinpoint your location via latitude-longitude. Being the semi-private person I am, I obviously turned it off because the little paranoid bubble inside me would rather not be tracked.

All in all, the application seems pretty good. Now....is there a way to automatically detect music for posts? *pokes around more*

I am still alive. Not lost somewhere in the hiking trails of Maine's Cadillac Mountain, in the seemingly lack of updates since my last post.

Just trying to sit and getting my thoughts down, had gotten harder for me in recent months since all my thoughts got all muddled and confusing and it just got difficult to sort it all out. I admit I've been going through a bit of a downer mood because it just got too hard, too taxing on me to try and pretend I was fine. I wasn't fine, and I am still not fine now, but I do believe that "time heals all wounds" and will eventually dial down on the proverbial 'pain in my heart'.

There are times I wish I could be the same person I was a year ago, even maybe half a year ago, but the events that have occured has taught me many obvious lessons that I should have known and perhaps cherished.

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts. - Charles Dickens
I know my limits.

I knew my limits.

In the last year alone, my heart had gotten harder, my patience wearing thin, and my fear of hurting someone rose. I was unsympathetic. I would get snappy. The smallest thing sometime set me off. Right until I lost hold of the control on how I felt, the emotions I held back came to the surface and my mind went into a stupor. A functional sort of stupor. Being logical and realistic and just taking care of what needed to be taken of in a daze at the time. Bit by bit, I am slowly getting better, getting more grounded, feeling a bit more in control.

Trying to be more social with my peers, hooking up with old and new friends, well, I guess I wouldn't say "hook up" right? Doesn't that usually imply something else? Hang out. Going to the movies or just chatting. Just...trying to make myself feel normal again and not feeling guilty when doing it. Because you know what? Sometimes I do. Feel guilty, I mean. Like maybe, I should perhaps keep mourning. But I can't. I just can't. Does that make me any less of a person? I hope not.

I can only use this experience and grow and mature from it.

Grow from it, I will.
Breathing better now, I am.
The weight has gotten lighter, I feel.
The future is looking better, I can see.
Talk like Yoda, I shall stop.

For now.

omg... why in frelling hell is it so cold in Maine?!

using TXTLJ. Bored. Guide is giving brief history of NYC. On way to Maine 4 a 3day2nite trip. Just an FYI if ne1 wonders. TTYL!

and I figured Deadpool's a good a gift as any.

Unfortunately this is the next best thing.


Happy Birthday baby_jeans



Sorry for the lateness

to all my sweet friends,

i love all the messages.
thank you so much.

and just so you know, rikugou, i'll NEVER be as old as you.

=^ώ^=

When once I welcomed silence, now am unable to endure it.

I turn on the television, my music, anything that will produce sound to drown out the silence when I am home.

I believe I have managed to get pass this a bit. My sister and I were cleaning out her closet the other day, deciding on which article of clothing should be donated, kept, or thrown away.

The memories I remember do not bother me anymore, bad or good, although I have a longing for those better days.

It is the silence, the absence of her voice, that makes it unbearable to stay home for periods of time.

My sister suggested I go relieve my anxiety at a local Bally gym. It's a good idea. I would be out of the house. And while it is not a permanent solution to my problem, I'll take a temporary solution over it. Who knows? Maybe it will help me cope with this issue of mine.

I will have to buy a new combination lock for the lockers. My dad never figured out what my combination was to one of my HS locks. And I am pretty sure, rikugou either misplaced my original gym combination lock during the renovation of her room or just gave up on figuring it out. This was the problem with me. I usually never remembered.

Now... I can't seem to forget.

Because it's the only thing I have to look forward to...
( under the cut )

As soon as it gets quiet, my mind keeps replaying that moment.

Then something inside me gets tighter and tighter...

It's moments like these that make me wish I could forget sometimes...

Would that be so wrong?

The sound of Buddhist chants in the background.
The acrid smell of ceremonial incense in the air.
Looking upon her face, I bowed my head thrice.
Looking upon her face, my eyes drifts away unable to will my tears back.

Sitting down quietly, I mechanically make more prayer money to be burned.
Roll the paper up.
Push in the sides.
Put in basket.
Fill up basket.
Burn in tin.
Repeat.

Soon, it was time to go.
We sat in silence in the car as I held her picture, looking out in a quiet daze trying not to think.
Thinking meant dwelling. I didn't want to dwell.
Soon, we arrived.

We held each other hands, bowing our head in respect.
We watched as they lowered her.
We watched as they covered her.
We wept silently as we looked on.

The final goodbye.
最後のさよなら。
再见。

I will always love you Mom. Despite everything, I always did.

Good-bye...